


Between the sheets

by SherikiYanni



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Bottom Dean, Curiosity, Fear of Discovery, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Top Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 08:56:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5085805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherikiYanni/pseuds/SherikiYanni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thirty six year old Dean Winchester recalls his first sexual experience, after passing someone in a bar who resembled his first lover and childhood best friend Castiel Novak. Filled with regret, he wonders what would have happened had they gone on together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between the sheets

_"There are many things I would like to say to you...But I don't know how."_

 

It wasn’t him. I knew that much for certain. The nose wasn't quite right, but he resembled Castiel so much….I nearly walked over and embraced him, in the middle of the bar. I was there alone, as I usually am, looking for a good time, when he walked in...I almost took him home but I...I _couldn'_ t. It was too close. Too close to Cas.  I’ve often wondered, just what would have happened if I saw him again. Would he slap me? Would he curse me and run, or fold into my arms like he did so easily on that night. All these questions that race through my mind, will never have their answer. I know this now.

__

I have not thought of that boy, of Castiel Novak, for many years; but I see him quite clearly tonight. It was several years ago. I was still in my teens, he was my age. He was a very nice boy, too, very quick and dark, and always serious, unless we were alone. For a while he was my best friend. Later, the idea that such a person could have _been_ my best friend was proof enough to me that something horrifying was wrong in me. So I forgot him. But a couple shots of whiskey is always good for bringing forth unwanted memories…

  
It was in the summer, there was no school. His parents had gone someplace for the weekend and I was spending the weekend at his house, he was my next door neighbor, his mother and my mother went to the same classes that taught about childbirthing and motherhood. They had been adamant that Cas and I be friends and we were.And when my mother died, Cas hugged me and held my hand at the funeral. He was a special guy, he really was. He watched over me, protected me. I always felt safe with him. Safe and wanted.

__

We had been lying around in the backyard and decided to go to the pool, for some swimming and watching the near-naked girls pass, whistling at them and laughing. They ignored us and we stopped after a while. As the sun was setting we started back towards his house, with our wet swimming trunks dripping down our legs and the taste of vanilla ice cream, hot and sticky in our mouths.

  
I think it began in the shower.We had always taken showers together, and even at sixteen it seemed no big deal. _“We’re boys,”_ Cas had said once, _“We both have the same things._ ” and I just went with it.  I know that I felt something as we were horsing around in that small, steamy room, stinging each other with wet towels, something I had not felt before, which mysteriously, and yet aimlessly, included him. I remember the awkward  reluctance to get dressed, I blamed it on the heat. I felt lazy and tired and assumed that the two went hand in hand. But we did get dressed, sort of,and we broke into his parents liquor cabinet and drank gin straight from the bottle. I remember the sting, how hot it was sliding down my throat. I remember him laughing and shaking his head, only to have the same reaction when he took a taste. But something tugged at me when our eyes met, he smiled, so softly at me. It pulled at my heart and stirred an ache in my belly.

  
After our shower and our adventure with liquor we went to his room. He had a lot of posters on his walls, mainly classic rock bands, and he only liked those because I liked them...I feel like he did that a lot actually, only liked certain things because I enjoyed them. I didn’t mind though, I was happy to share my own experiences with him. I fell asleep quickly, but I woke up to find the light on and Cas examining the pillow with great, ferocious care.

  
“What’s the matter?” I asked. Cas squinted at me, scrunching his nose, his eyes narrowed.

  
“I think a bedbug bit me.” I scoffed.

  
“You got bedbugs?”

  
“I think one bit me.” I arched my eyebrow.

  
“You ever have a bedbug bite you before?” He shook his head, innocent eyes looking at me.

  
“No.” I sighed.

  
“Well, go back to sleep. You’re dreaming.”

  
He looked at me with his mouth open and his light blue eyes very big, as if he wanted protest. I laughed and grabbed his head as I had done God knows how many times before, when I was playing with him or when he had annoyed me. But this time when I touched him something happened in him and in me which made this touch different from any touch either of us had ever known. It was electric and I watched his breath hitched as the same sensation I was feeling, must have spread through his body. He didn’t resist, as he usually did, but lay where I had pulled him, against my chest. Content with the rising and falling of my breaths. My heart was beating in an awful hard way and Cas was trembling against me and the light in the room was very bright and hot. I started to move, trying to escape the awkwardness of the situation.

__

“L’Let’s go back to sleep Cas,” I said, pulling away from him. He wrapped his arm around my waist, it was strong and a tight grip that made my stomach churn, he looked up at me with those intense blue eyes, staring straight through me, as he’d done so many times before.

__

“Stay here.” he mumbled, reaching up to stroke my cheek with the back of his hand. I shuddered, unable to tear myself away from his hold, from his gaze, curiosity and arousal spiking through my body. “I want you to stay.” I swallowed hard, unable to speak, I nodded sharply.

__

Cas raised his head as I lowered mine and we kissed, timidly, quickly and with little experience. After I looked down at him, and for the first time in my life, I was really aware of another person’s body, of their smell. Cas watched me watching him, an unknown question in his eyes. I leaned down, closing my own, not wanting to see or witness this with anything but my lips. His were so soft and warm, pressed gently against mine. He rolled over, straddling me, I felt something hard pressing against my thigh. He reached out, intertwining our fingers and pressing them back above my head so he was leering over me. The shadows from the light in the room, casting darkness over his face, making his eyes glow. For the first time in my life the word beautiful popped into my mind, in context with another human being.

__

“Dean…” Cas’s voice was low, something I didn’t understand, laced beneath his words. I looked up at him, feeling my own erection pressing up against his, I groaned when he rocked his hips forward. I watched him shudder above me and shut his eyes, a soft moan escaping his lips. “Dean I-” his eyes snapped open and I sat up, wrapping my arms around his waist. It was no different, I thought, than holding onto a girl, or kissing a girl. Our noses brushed, his breath fanned over my face. He reached up, hands sliding, slowly up my arms to cup my face. I felt my heartbeat.

__

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

__

I can’t remember who moved first, we really had no idea what we were doing, but we took comfort in that. He was domineering and determined, exploring my body slowly and finding new ways to make me squirm. It felt so good it nearly hurt, but I didn’t want him to stop, he pressed tender kisses to my chest and whispered prayers of admiration against my skin. His body was warm and slick, pressed against mine. We were both hard, nearly to the point of explosion. I’ll never forget the way his eyes looked, pupils blown, almost animalistic, as he pressed a biting claim to my neck, marking me for all to see.

__

“Cas,” I groaned, pressing my hand against his chest. Fear spiked in my belly as he nestle between my legs, positioning himself at my hole. I had heard how queers did this, but at the time, I wasn’t queer, or I thought I wasn’t, and it frightened me. I looked at Cas to see him nodding in understanding. He leaned forward, pressing a tender kiss to my sweaty forehead. I pushed into it, not wanting to lose any part of him that was connected to me.

__

“I’ve got you,” he said, pushing me to lie back on my back. I fisted my hands against the mussed up sheets, twisting the fabric between my fingers as Cas spread my legs. His eyes stayed on me, watching for any sign of pain. If I cried out or moaned in discomfort he stopped, and waited until I was ready to continue. “You trust me?” he asked, his voice low and gruff with arousal. I smiled up at him, resolved to see this through.

__

“I trust you.”

__

Embarrassingly enough, I came just as he bottomed out inside of me. And I came once more as he was cumming inside of me. It’s an odd feeling, someone releasing inside of you, but I loved every moment of it. He fell by my side and kissed me, I nuzzled against him, burying my face in his neck. It felt like a lifetime, just the two of us, he shut the light off and we talked until we fell into a peaceful sleep.

  
A lifetime is short sadly, and it ended that morning. I woke up while Cas was still sleeping,curled like a baby on his side, toward me. He looked like a baby, his mouth half open, his cheek flushed, his hair darkening the pillow and half hiding his damp forehead and his long eyelashes glinting slightly in the summer sun. We were both naked and the sheet we had used as a cover was tangled around our bodies. Cas’s body was tanned,sweaty,and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen till then. I would have touched him to wake him up but something stopped me. I was suddenly afraid. Fear gripped me so tightly I froze. Maybe it was because he looked so innocent lying there, with such perfect trust; maybe it was because he was so much smaller than me; my own body suddenly seemed grotesque and abnormal and the desire which was rising in me seemed nefarious, evil and dark. But, above all, I was afraid. It dawned on me like a cold bucket of water. _Cas is a boy_. I saw suddenly the power in his thighs, in his arms, and in his loosely curled fists. The power and the mystery of his body made me afraid. I craved him, I could feel it, I felt as though my manhood was slipping away with every thought, every longing to touch and caress and love and fuck. I was slipping into a madness that was Castiel Novak, a madness that would be my undoing if I did not stop it. The sweat on my back grew cold. I was ashamed. The very bed, in its sweet disorder, testified to the shameful, disgusting act. I wondered what his mother would say when she saw the sheets. Then I thought of my father, who had no one in the world but me and my baby brother Sammy. Since my mother died, we were all he had. How would he feel about his oldest son being with Cas? Would he hate him? Would he want to take Sammy away? My heart jumped into my throat at the thought. I couldn’t lose Sammy. He was everything.  A cavern opened in my mind, black, full of rumor, suggestion, of half-heard, half-forgotten, half-understood stories, full of dirty words. I thought I saw my future in that cavern. I was afraid. I could have cried, cried for shame and terror, cried for not understanding how this could have happened to me, how this could have happened in me. And I made my decision. I got out of bed and took a shower and was dressed and ready when Cas woke up.

  
I didn’t tell him my decision, that would have broken everything I resolved to do. To be.  I couldn’t tell him I didn’t want him. I couldn’t lie and tell him that the night before meant nothing to me. That I didn’t love him. I just couldn’t do it. The look on his face, the utter brokenness that would ensue, I would break and go back. I would sweep him up and kiss it all away. But I couldn’t do that. I had too much going for me, as selfish as that sounds, I couldn’t let Cas ruin it...Now looking back though I know, I ruined it. I ruined everything.  I didn’t wait to have breakfast with him but drank some coffee and made an excuse to go home. I knew the excuse didn’t fool Cas, but he didn’t know how to protest or insist, he didn’t know how to make me stay. But he also didn’t know that this was all he needed to have done. Just one word, a small plea of ‘please’ and the dam I was building would have broken wide. I would have stayed and loved him to the point of madness. Until it consumed us both. Instead, I walked out that door without a backward glance.

__

I didn’t see him again that summer He didn’t come to see me. I would have been very happy to see him if he had, but the way that I left….I knew I hurt him and offended him. I knew he was wondering, thinking about what he did wrong. But I couldn’t bring myself to  apologize and make things right. When I finally did see him, more or less by accident, near the end of the summer, I made up a long and totally untrue story about a girl I was going with and when school began again I began to bully Cas, I joined the popular crowd and Cas was a nerd. It was the only thing, at the time, I felt I could do. I’ll never forget the tears in his eyes when he saw me with that crowd. I’ll never forget the way he looked, all alone at the cafeteria table at lunch time. I only felt the need to assert my masculinity, to prove I was a man and Cas was weak. The more I did this the sadder it made him, and the nastier I became. He moved away at last, out of the neighborhood, away from our school, and I never saw him again. But I always wondered...I still wonder…

__

Had I not been so fearful of my father, or other’s reactions. Had I stayed by Cas’s side and defended him...Where would we be now? Would we still be together?

  
Now, nearly twenty years later, he’s back, sitting in my mind. Those big, bright eyes, staring at me. Full of life, admiration, affection, love and... _hurt_. I clench my fist, vaguely aware of the snap or shatter of glass, the pain in my hand and the sting of whiskey mixing in with the cuts. I’m thinking of Cas, I’m missing him and wondering, what would have happened if I had just stayed there with him. Between the sheets.


End file.
